Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to the handsome pod. It's your friend fortune feimster. I'm a Martin. I'm Tig Notaro. And we are handsome. We are handsome. And happy. Everybody looks lovely today. Oh, thank you. We are all glowing, actually, with a sprightly energy. I've got on my headset. Can I take your order? I'll have a Big Mac and make it bigger.
Starting point is 00:00:39 That's right. Okay. I'll actually take the Old Navy jeans. You got it. Can I get a pair of Old Navy jeans to the front? Thank you. Because we only have one pair. You got to fly them in.
Starting point is 00:00:51 No, I know. I feel like we're all still kind of basking in the glow of, and this might come out like later, but we recently did our live show at Dynasty Typewriter. That was so fun. Here's my question for you, Mae. I love a question. Yeah yeah and i need the absolute truth okay did you go to the bar after
Starting point is 00:01:09 after you did show no i didn't but now it looks like i'm lying it looks like i went and tried to pick up a bunch of uh listeners no everybody did like some of the singles went out like i saw people posting pictures they went out to the bar to the uh near dynasty typewriter and it was really tempting to swing by not to not in a creepy way but just to say hi and you wanted other people to have love connections you wanted to check on that exactly now what is the bar we might as well mention it it could be the Handsome Singles Bar. It's so great there. It's called The Prince.
Starting point is 00:01:52 And it's like Korean food and a kind of red decor. Am I making it sound sexy? Oh, wait. I think I know this place. Yeah. What made you realize it? Red decor. Red decor, Korean food, cool bar.
Starting point is 00:02:04 Yeah. I just knew it. Stephanie knew it too. She was like, oh, that Korean food, cool bar. Yeah. I just knew it. Stephanie knew it too. She was like, oh, that's a really cute bar. I don't know, Greg, but I'm pretty sure that was the bar I went to with, it's weird to say this, but I guess. My mom. Charlize Theron.
Starting point is 00:02:19 Okay. Seriously? Yeah. Wait, what? You didn't know Fortune dated charlie's throne oh my god they were together they were together and they had a bit of a nasty fallout but you guys have come back together as friends and it's been nice to see them this was years ago i went to the hrc dinner with chelsea and charlie's wow i i'm trying to picture her in that environment because it's kind of a grungy place and she's so glam but maybe
Starting point is 00:02:52 she's have you not seen monster maybe oh yeah she she showed up looking monster that night, right? She was gorgeous. She was in all the prosthetics. It was early on. It was early on in my, I had just gotten on Chelsea and I got into the car and she was there and I'm like, what's going on? Were you starstruck? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:03:22 Do you have the hots for her? Who doesn't? She's gorgeous. Yeah. Even Jax has the hots for her who doesn't she's gorgeous yeah even jacks has the hots for her wow we were at a hotel in um oh hi and though high end love it and charlize and uh and her kids were in the room next to us wow fun i'm picturing you with a little glass up to the wall just listening with your ear listening to her be hot yeah well i also saw her at a sushi restaurant once i don't know if we want to keep oh my god sure yeah this is a new this is a new segment oh one Everyone comment where you've seen Charlize.
Starting point is 00:04:08 One time I went to breakfast in Los Angeles, and this was probably like 25 or more years ago, but it was a little tiny breakfast place, and what's her name came in. She was... This is where the story falls apart. What is that person's name? Someone came in she was this is where the story falls apart what is that person's name someone she was she was married to kenny chesney oh uh renee zellweger okay so renee zellweger comes in i like to refer to her as cold mountain why great movie i don't know no she seems lovely um so she's in this little tiny breakfast place and everyone in the breakfast place is so aware that she's there and everyone's staring at her
Starting point is 00:04:56 and then leave it to hollywood julia roberts walks in shut up and has breakfast there and so you see everybody not sure who to look at like it's oh my god it's such a tiny little restaurant that would trip me up i think if i was in that breakfast spot i think i was in the truman show or like candid camera like that's too they're too famous those two to be in the same place coincidentally at the same time everyone's head was exploding because it was maybe 10 tables and then you see them i don't know if they knew each other or if it was just the hey famous hey i'm famous too not famous hey famous hey famous she's like hey cold mountain she's like hey runaway broad hey runaway bride hey pretty woman hey pretty woman hey chicago hey pretty little lady i'm a big rom-com gal so that would have been you know bridget jones diary yeah that would have been a big deal for you so who would you have stared at more
Starting point is 00:05:57 i i would give them equal attention if meg ryan had then also walked in, my head would have exploded. Love a rom-com. I'm trying to get them to bring them back. Wait, they never went away, Fortune. Who's them? They went away, kind of. I'm trying to get them to bring them back. Tig was just in one with Ashton Kutcher and Reese Witherspoon.
Starting point is 00:06:20 They're back. They're back. They're back, full force. I brought them. Me, Reese, and Ashton brought them back. Oh, yeah. They're back they're back full force i brought them me reese and ashton brought them back we totally forgot they're really popular again they're popular again thanks reese well then me i was like the other like i was doing some heavy lifting you held that coffee cup so good outside that school yeah i guess i mean they don't make them as often they used to be like all the time all the big stars did them all the time yeah well they are now since me and reese and ashton brought
Starting point is 00:06:58 them back the triangle of rom-coms but really who would... I don't care if you love all of those people equally. Who would you... If somebody was like, you have to choose one celebrity to stare at the whole breakfast, who are you going to choose? Out of Julia and Renee? Just the two of them? Uh-huh.
Starting point is 00:07:19 Probably Julia. Just because I just grew up watching her in every movie known to man. She's I mean, Renee's amazing, too, but it's a real Sophie's Choice. But Julia's just been in so many iconic movies from my childhood, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I used to do an impersonation on.
Starting point is 00:07:37 You're not going to believe this. This seems so incongruous. I bet I will. My like style of comedy. But I used to part of my set used to be a Julia Roberts impersonation. Oh, let's hear it. Come on, Mae. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:07:52 I regret it, bringing it up. But it's just like a moment of I feel like she's always getting startled by something and then exploding into hysterical laughter as a result. And I used to really go for it. into hysterical laughter yeah as a result and i used to really go for it well it's it's it's very on me because it's very loud and hysterical and high-pitched well that's why we want to see it oh my god do you want me to start with one and then you do one or do you want to oh yeah oh i want to see yours you got a julia roberation? I'm going to try. Okay, so it's being startled by something, screaming, and then exploding into hysterical laughter.
Starting point is 00:08:29 Well, okay, this is the scene where she's grabbing the necklace and Richard Gere slams the box. That's exactly right. Okay, I have a great idea. And then after Fortune does this, then you be surprised by Fortune's impersonation. Yes, yes. Burst into laughter and whatever she does. and does this yeah then you be surprised by fortune's impersonation yes yes burst into laughter and whatever she does but then tig you got to do the final one okay okay i'll do it i'm
Starting point is 00:08:52 gonna do the giggle i'm gonna do like kind of startled giggle you do you go to the next level with it how about that okay all right but all right and then i go to the next level yes yes okay i'm scared. I'm nervous. Everybody just pretend I'm Julia Roberts. Our lives depend on this. I'm reaching for a necklace as we speak. Wow. guys i'm still doing mine i'm still sorry i'm still peering out i think that there's a future for may and i in rom-coms not just you tig
Starting point is 00:09:42 i think so too that was i don't know. I have the... I have it cornered. I have it cornered. That gave me gender dysphoria, screaming like that, like a damsel in distress. It was pretty funny, though. I feel like it was really unleashing a secret aspect
Starting point is 00:09:59 of myself that I try to suppress. Even when I'm on a rollercoaster, I notice I'm like even when I'm on a roller coaster I notice I I'm like yes and if I probably if I let myself really go for it I would be screaming like a school girl you know but but that's the actor in you you were acting yes I suppose yeah it kind of brings us back to that conversation about heartthrob hot men in hollywood crushes yeah where it's a little confusing where why because you're like do i well it's not confusing for you may because you're like whatever i'll take it you know if you're a human um bye yeah tickets called bye i thought you were even more than bye yeah i guess if you could be more than bye i guess i'm not
Starting point is 00:10:51 yeah that's what i'm saying is like but if you're alive lgbt and then w for whatever i'll take it it should be a thing whatever yeah but it's confusing i think for me and fortune when we're giddy about dudes being about dudes yeah where you're like oh this isn't why am i smiling so much what do i what do i need from this man that i actually don't want what do i need from this man that i actually don't want that That sounds like something you say in therapy and then the therapist repeats it back to you. And you're like, what do you need, Tig? What do you need?
Starting point is 00:11:35 My therapist has a headset on from Old Navy. My therapist has two jobs. I love the therapy. I will be your therapist today. Take a seat, Tig. No, you're the therapist, but you're also fielding Old Navy merch calls from storage or whatever it's called. So it's like this. It's like, oh, I get it.
Starting point is 00:12:00 That is hard. That must have been very traumatic for you. I'm sorry. Yes, can we please fly in those jeans? Thank you. Nope. I'm going to need the 32 by 28. Yes, thank you. Anyway, how did that make you feel? Okay, we're going to need the tank tops and flip flops up to checkout line number three. Go ahead. So when did he pass away when you were three? Okay. We've been talking about it on the podcast.
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Starting point is 00:14:02 Rates vary by state. In some states, participation in DriveWise allows all state to use your driving data for rating and your rate could increase with high-risk driving. I really like the idea of drive-through therapy, though. Like, I really like, welcome to therapy. How can I help you? You're driving through. Real quick, I got a bad relationship with my uncle.
Starting point is 00:14:24 My ex used to make a joke about a drive-through confession booth oh that would be amazing just a priest in there and you pull up you're like hey uh rough night god would not approve wait you're you were you raised catholic take i was so did you go to confession or no i did no way i did okay i've always wondered like does it act does it actually feel like a relief like you say the thing and then you're like great let it go uh no i mean i was pretty young and so my um confession was i wasn't really confessing much. Right. You know? You were just like... I was like, oh, I talk
Starting point is 00:15:10 in class. Oh, so that's like almost reinforcing a shame that you don't need to have. Right. Right. But I also, I think I never went again because something came over me and I was like, oh, I don't believe in God. So why would I go to confession and talk to this weird person in a little hut?
Starting point is 00:15:30 Did I tell you that? Not a weird person. I don't know if it was a weird person. In a little hut? Nice guy? Mm-hmm. You know, my parents were real atheists. And so I think I tried to rebel when i was like seven by suddenly being like i'm
Starting point is 00:15:45 extremely christian and i had a yeah yeah can you imagine if i'm christian i believe in the glory of god and so i had a little calculator and you know how you can write like boobless on a calculator yeah of course you're right boobs boobies exactly the highest level of math i ever made it to was boobless so i would like i in my head i would pretend that this calculator was my tool of communicating with jesus and uh i would but i could but all i could say to him was like boobies and boobless but i would just pretend that and i'd be like and my parents would be like what are you doing i'd be like i'm talking to jesus uh he died for our sins and they'd be like oh you'll grow out of this i don't know it was really weird because they
Starting point is 00:16:31 it was not coming from them or really my school i think i just i must have had some friends who were super religious and you're like i'm down with god yeah you know me at our kids school they do this thing called passion projects and what it is is each kid shares what their passion is something they know so much about and are obsessed with and then the whole class learns about their obsession and passion for the whole week that's what the whole week is about is whoa is like rocks you know what like if one kid is really into rocks and everybody learns everything about max's passion and so it's it's a really great thing and when when that was coming up finn was like oh yeah i know what i'm gonna do i am gonna do sports And so he was doing his whole passion project on sports. And we were like, Max, what are you going to do?
Starting point is 00:17:30 And he was like, I'm not sure yet. And we were like, OK. And then every morning we'd be driving to school and we'd be like, Max, have you thought about your passion project? What do you want to do? He was like, yeah, I don't know. about your passion project what do you want to do he was like yeah i don't know and so one day we're going and we just hear from the back seat mac says um i think i figured out what my passion project is gonna be and we were like okay what is it he it? And he goes, Jesus. And Stephanie almost drove off the road. She was like, what?
Starting point is 00:18:11 We didn't even know he knew who Jesus was. And Stephanie was the opposite reaction than most parents. She was like driving off the road, looking into the backseat going, what did you just say? How did you know about that? Who told you about Jesus? Passion of the Christ. Well, that's what she said.
Starting point is 00:18:35 She was like, oh, my gosh, this is passion of the Christ. And she was like, Max, you don't know. What do you why would you want to talk about Jesus? Like, what do you do even know? And he was like, no, but i'm just curious about jesus and so she was like but this is for you to share something you're so passionate about and we found out later that there was some because of the connection with santa and christmas that's where his interest was was this guy had something to do with presents and he wasn't and so once we got to the born yeah christmas yeah christmas day yes yes
Starting point is 00:19:16 and so um when we explained that and that you know the whole point of it again is for something you're passionate about and you know so much about so he did end up talking about rocks but um he went with rocks yeah stephanie was like can you imagine like what people would think our life was yeah and what our if max was talking about jesus for an entire week i am passionate about um charcuterie boards in case you guys were wondering and ice cream and coffee yeah i do love a charcuterie board though i'm really into them so are you into like combining all the different flavors and like arranging it like a flower bouquet almost like i love it all all the cheeses put it in my mouth and also i don't know do you guys ever have a hard time
Starting point is 00:20:09 pronouncing the word charcuterie charcuterie charcuterie well no we're doing pretty charcuterie you guys are doing pretty good but you want me to give you a little trick in case you ever forget no that's okay because we don't have trouble. I'm going to tell our listeners. Well, you can't have charcuterie without cooter. Fortune! Oh, my God. Fortune! Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:20:39 Get it, char? Cooter. Cooter. Everyone got it, but everyone is stunned and so disappointed in you once again. May is mortified. Thomas is embarrassed. But you'll never forget how to say charcuterie. Nobody had a problem with it. Everyone said it just fine.
Starting point is 00:21:02 Some people have a really hard time with that word, but if you just remember, you can't have charcuterie without cooter. She said it again. Don't ever forget it. I'm going to disconnect right now. No, don't leave me, my friends. What would your passion project be, Tig?
Starting point is 00:21:22 My passion project. And you've got a week to teach me and fortune and thomas about it you know i'm sorry to be boring but plant-based food oh god yep yeah yeah you can't have plant-based food without without coders well that one episode you revealed about you know you were gonna be a plant-based coach a lot of people were really into that and said they would want that from you oh really where was that on instagram on our handsome instagram page okay well i have to go look they said tig i can't believe you're not doing the the coaching they were like i would love to be coached by you and plant-based nutrition. Well, it's because my rom-com co-star Reese Witherspoon shamed me and made me realize
Starting point is 00:22:13 that I would make hundreds of dollars. Oh, God. That really made me laugh. That's why I would be a passion project. That's true. I love talking about plant-based food well i'm planning to do mine on napoleon so napoleon dynamite or napoleon the the guy that's what you would do is napoleon i think so like anytime i've learned about him it's so
Starting point is 00:22:46 juicy and the details are so weird and interesting and i'd have to brush up on it and learn about it in order to present stuff about him for the week so that would be and i do feel pretty passionate about him because he's such a like conundrum and the whole like napoleon complex coming from him yeah totally and i think because he did i mean he was like a terrible dictator and like millions of people died as he tried to invade all of europe yeah but he was also you know he had this other side to him where he he had a heart of gold i don't know about that but he implemented the the napole code, which was like a very progressive. He was anti slavery. He was into separate separation of church and state. He was like, he was like very progressive in some ways, but then also a total megalomaniac. And like he kidnapped the Pope. And then he made and then what a day. I know. And he crowned himself emperor. And when when the pope he made the pope in Notre Dame you know put the crown
Starting point is 00:23:48 on his head and right before the pope put it on he took it out of the pope's hand and put it on himself he was like only I can yeah there's just juicy details I don't know much about him except for when he was in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure he was great in that, that would be a whole day
Starting point is 00:24:04 of the week I'd be talking about. That's a perfect way to do a passion project is go back in time and have them come. Oh, my God. What's your passion project, Fortune? I felt charcuterie boards. I'm pretty passionate about those. You don't think that could fill a whole week? Day one, pickles.
Starting point is 00:24:29 fill a whole week day one pickles well you'd have to like branch off into subs a sub yeah growing some kind of or or cooters i would have to talk about yeah that wouldn't be uncomfortable yeah there'd be a day on cooters i don't like know that i want to you know get out my venn diagram six days on cooters and one day on a charcuterie bar that makes me think about sixth grade sex education they made us go the boys in one room and the girls in another room and they tried to explain all that stuff to us why'd they separate everyone because you know they were showing boys how to put condoms on a banana and girls can't see that girls they're talking about their cooters i think that their thought was that the girls and boys would be embarrassed talking about that stuff in front of each other yeah i guess that that's
Starting point is 00:25:23 probably true and the days were like we haven't been invented yet we weren't separated back in the 80s we were all in the same room i had a health teacher we called it health in canada and and but she um she did this thing where she brought in a cigarette and she like in in the classroom opened the windows we were all like scandalized and freaking out. And she took a long drag on it. And then she blew it through like a Kleenex. And you could see like the, some of the tar on the Kleenex. And, but it really felt like she just wanted, like she wanted a cigarette.
Starting point is 00:25:54 She smoked almost the whole cigarette. She's trying to turn every weird thing. She's chopping up drugs. Yeah. I just want to show you what somebody on cocaine is like. Or we had like sex ed in rehab as well. And we were all super old. But the teacher was like, can anyone draw an anatomically correct cooter? I've never said cooter before. It's fun. Let it fly it fly may it is kind of fun
Starting point is 00:26:27 it's a liberating we're taking that word back let it fly the flying cooters go on cooters but i was i was such a like a cooter is a turtle yeah or a vagin* can also be called a turtle both but there is a uh turtles are cooters fortune who's telling you i don't let me google i don't know if it's do you think turtles know that they are cooters yeah uh turtles this was about the level of knowledge in the this is really good podcasting is when somebody's googling our cooters turtles the common cooter is a large olive colored turtle with yellow stripes running down the back of its head and neck fortune fact i've seen i've seen those little guys yeah that's a cooter yeah that's a cooter you're looking at this the common cooter the common cooter the common well we had to draw a diagram of the common cooter and uh i was so
Starting point is 00:27:32 like arrogant and i was like uh guys i got this uh trust me like trying to show all the boys i was like uh yeah i've seen a few let me tell you and i i got it all completely wrong really yeah and i was like 17 18 and i just was like truth be told i don't know that i would do a good drawing yeah i mean so should we go to hear our guest question you know you know what i wrote this year no i just thought that would be a really funny transition into our guest question. Hilarious. Is that cooter, that fortune can't draw cooter. I can't.
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Starting point is 00:31:03 Lena's so cool. Actually, Lena listens to our podcast. No way. Yeah, she should. Why wouldn't she? Lena's the best and is killing it out there and just creating some really cool stuff and just a real tastemaker. So we're honored to have Lena ask us a question. And here it is. What's up, handsome? It's your girl, Lena Wave. And I'm so excited to be asking y'all a question. Huh? If you could change one thing about our world, what would it be?
Starting point is 00:31:39 Oh, my gosh. Of course, it's a cool question from a cool person. I know. But it's hard to pick one thing. There's a cool question from a cool person. I know. But it's hard to pick one thing. There's a lot of things that need some changing. I think it's perfect. I think our world is absolutely perfect and I wouldn't change a thing.
Starting point is 00:31:55 That's like my parents said that they have no New Year's resolutions because everything's perfect. They said that? They've never made any? Maybe it was just this year, but yeah, I like that. I treat New Year's resolutions like a wish list. I like this and this and this and this.
Starting point is 00:32:15 And you act like you have no control over it? Yeah. And who are you asking for the things from? The universe. Yes, yes. I make a vision board every every new year i should give you my um i'll give you my little calculator and you can ask jesus jesus on your vision board is there a sprawling mansion and a convertible corvette and um yeah definitely a corvette a hot pink like barbie it's me and jackson biggie would you want to live in a sprawling mansion
Starting point is 00:32:48 that's kind of like on its own no right you want to be amongst it you want knaves you want knaves yeah i don't want to be out in the like middle of nowhere in a giant house that i'm scared in all the time yeah i don't want a sprawling house that's not that's not for me yeah you don't want like a wing a dusty wing that you never know you're afraid to go in and and like our kids we've talked about moving we moved into the house that we're in for safety reasons for like stairs and the size of our backyard and so we moved in here when max and finn were babies and we've talked about moving to another house or maybe one with a bigger yard or whatever and max and finn are they love their house so much and i don't know if i've talked about this on the podcast but they they they want
Starting point is 00:33:40 they picture themselves growing old together in this house and and they talk about how they want kids together no yeah because they don't know how kids happen so they're like yeah they just want to be together and live in their childhood home with their kids and get married it's so cute they haven't talked about marriage yet luckily but yeah they um they just picture themselves here forever with children they love it well they clearly feel safe there yeah they're they're happy here i love how kid when kids don't don't really understand like we had this ceremony to to like a sort of sweet um ceremony to to recognize the godmothers of this child who i live with and uh it was so cute and it was just basically saying like we're
Starting point is 00:34:33 your godmothers and they all got like a necklace and but it was kind of there was like a ceremony aspect to it it was yeah there was a solemnity to it and we were like what do you want um in the ceremony what do you want to happen she was like i want them to kiss on the lips and we were like what do you want um in the ceremony what do you want to happen she was like i want them to kiss on the lips and we were like well i don't know they're just friends and like they're both yeah she was like no i really she was like no i really want that like it was and to her maybe she's seen weddings and things and she was like that will seal that will seal the deal that'll make it all probably saw one of those julie roberts movies no she probably saw um your place or mine with me reese and ashton true yeah but we're like well you can ask them but i don't think they're gonna want like just the two godmothers are not gonna
Starting point is 00:35:18 kiss on the lips like that's great i know the one thing i would change about our world like we've we've talked about like the big heavy ones like global warming and stuff but just from like a my own personal experience of the world like i feel a real time scarcity in my life like i just always want time to do more things and or to do nothing and uh so i don't know what how would i change the world to give myself more time it's like like a big red button that i could press to freeze time or like yes yeah definitely a big red button in fact i have one here oh great great yeah yeah yep there's more time now what would now do if the time was frozen like what what would you use that time for it's just like every relationship i have in my life like every friendship i just
Starting point is 00:36:16 don't feel like i get enough time to like so it's like every friend i could have a full week just hanging out playing the guitar guitar, swimming in the lake. But you're not missing out on anything. Yeah, but I'm not missing out, you know. Yeah. So you'd never have FOMO. You'd always be hanging out with whoever you want. And do you have FOMO?
Starting point is 00:36:36 All the time. All the time. Wow. I have FOMO for things that aren't happening, though. Like just FOMO for like this vision that I have of like all of my friends living on a commune and reading reading books but i saw this reading books some yeah it's truly constantly sitting in janice i would never have a friend called janice sorry to all the Janices. There's some Janice listening right now that's so sad.
Starting point is 00:37:10 So sad. I'm joking. I would never have a friend not called Janice. There we are. Welcome back, Janice. Welcome back to the fold. Janice, you're back, baby. But I did see some quantum scientists have just figured out how to move they were able to go a few steps backward
Starting point is 00:37:26 and forward in time for an atom like so if you could that is wild i would okay basically i'm saying i wish time was more malleable right more shift it and everything yeah shift it slow it down speed it up bounce around on it do you feel that way who has the time when i see that those pictures and videos that pop up like here's a memory and max and finn are toddling around and trying to say words you know i i never understood when i wasn't a parent when you'd hear people say, oh, my little boy is growing up or my little baby is gone. And I'm like, who cares? Like, yeah, everybody gets older. And I didn't understand why that mattered.
Starting point is 00:38:20 And now I am neck deep in those feelings. And now I am neck deep in those feelings. Stephanie and I send memories that pop up on our phones. And we're like, good God. Like, it's so insane. So that's where I wish time would stop. But they're also incredible, you know, inching up on eight years old. But when you see those painfully adorable. Yeah. And you really see it with kids like it because they grow so fast and there's so much change but it's weird to think that actually
Starting point is 00:38:53 we're all going through that as well like you just notice it more with kids but yeah but yeah yeah i have it with my listen i know it's not the same as kids but i have it with my, listen, I know it's not the same as kids, but I have it with my dog, Biggie. Of course. He's on, any pet is on borrowed time, and it kills me. Yeah, we all are on borrowed time. Well, yes, but, you know, unfortunately, their life cycle is a lot smaller. God, Biggie.
Starting point is 00:39:21 I just, like, take those moments, like, when he he's when we're with him just be like just soak this in soak it up soak every minute same with uh kitty city over here yeah what else would you try to fix about our world um i've touched on it before but for me empathy would be the biggest thing i wish you could like pump it out there to everybody all over the world to just have it be at the root of everything. I feel like if there was more empathy instilled in people from a young age, that we wouldn't be having such violence and angriness and all that you know i have such an easier time empathizing with kids like i have so much more like grace and patience with kids and adults so i wish we could
Starting point is 00:40:14 like if i like if i looked at you guys and i could see your baby so like if your faces were still babies but you still had adult brains and adult bodies but you had the faces of your baby selves i kind of still do even almost 53 i'm like i look brand new you look too that would be my serious answer but i would have a more like ridiculous one would be i wish that um you could eat whatever you want and not gain weight like the fattening food i wish it weren't like bad for you yeah because it tastes so good why don't the scientists get on that though because i bet you could like mimic the flavor profile and texture but make it out you know what I mean? Yeah, but like you're eating all of it's like full of nutrients.
Starting point is 00:41:09 It's like so good for you. Yeah. I wish that. And I know very healthy eaters like Tig, to you vegetables and all that stuff tastes so yummy, wonderful. I wish my palate were a little bit more well you know when you when you come off of you know processed foods and you give yourself time to retrain your your taste buds then they do but all of that food is engineered to make you addicted to it i was at an event last night and I looked like the biggest nerd in the green room where I was like shoveling. There were two different salads there and I was like turning to everyone
Starting point is 00:41:54 going, this salad is so good. Have you had this? I mean, you know, I certainly, I also have my share of processed food. It's not like I never have I love chips I love cookies I love all that stuff Oreos they're vegan Oreos are vegan I would not guess that so are Swedish fish
Starting point is 00:42:18 and other nerds things like that can I say Parvati's daughter just revealed the other day that she every night has, no, in the morning has been, before she wakes us up, has been sneaking to the kitchen and getting one Oreo. But she like confessed it.
Starting point is 00:42:37 She was like, I ate an Oreo this morning and I climbed on a stool and I went into the cupboard and I got the Oreo. Picturing her doing that by herself is so cute. And then I was like, how often do you do that? And she was like, every day. Every day. Well, she's, she's a blossoming vegan. Yeah. Yeah. When I do reel it in and being healthier and like, especially cutting down on my sugar. And then I eat like a banana smoothie. I'm like, this is so sweet. I can't believe how sweet this is.
Starting point is 00:43:10 Yeah, my taste buds definitely shift, but I do wish that some of that junk food I ate was a little bit better for me. If you went fully off of it for three weeks, it would shift everything. Yeah, for sure. I've done that. I mean, I've done the whole 30 a couple times where i have i have felt that shift i want to do that with um just dopamine in
Starting point is 00:43:33 general you can do like dopamine detoxes where you go in you you don't go on your phone and you don't but some of them like you don't even make eye contact with anyone or go in daylight for like you stay in the sort of dark for days and days because we're so overstimulated and then when you when you leave apparently you're able to access like joy a lot more easily because you know you're not so desensitized to these dopamine spikes you know i did one of those um i don't know what it's called is it deprivation tank yeah sensory deprivation yeah the flotation yeah the flotation one where you go float in it and it's complete darkness and uh i was like i don't know how i'm gonna feel
Starting point is 00:44:12 about this this is weird and they just give you like a little thing to put your like head on and i'm like how am i gonna float uh and this like i started I started to do it and I'm like, kind of flailing about like, ah, I can't do this. And then I finally just was like, kind of gave into it and started floating. And then at first I was like, this is stupid. And then like, within like 10 minutes, I'm like, I'm in the womb. This is the safest place i've ever been i never want to leave here it's so peaceful it was like really cool after a while i was gonna do one of those and then the place i was gonna go to my friend went there and got pink eye wait what i didn't know that was possible yeah i guess like from the water like they didn't change it enough oh no now i'm grossed out so you had strangers poop in your eye this was no this was in toronto and well i went in toronto you did are you are you kidding i swear to god i was you went in toronto i went to one in toronto it was someone gave it to me as a present oh that's where here's some poop in your eyes i still
Starting point is 00:45:24 i'm gonna try it i think you should it's kind of cool i was like i'd go back to this tig what would you change about the world again i've gone into it um i just feel like you know climate change i'm not a perfect person in that arena but calling on all corporations because nothing truly nothing matters if the planet is is not here or functioning so politics and junk food all the important stuff uh doesn't matter could you go back to candlelight times like you know what I mean because that would probably if the whole world had to go to candlelight times what do you mean go back to it welcome to my life are you in candlelight no but like there's days where I turn to Stephanie and I'm like
Starting point is 00:46:19 god I just it comes over me where I just fantasize about just leaving this entire life and just gardening and hanging out with people in dirt piles and and she was like when did you ever do that like it's not like you're getting back to turn into your roots yeah your roots dirt piles just rolling around with people in dirt piles as long as you still do the handsome pod i'll do the handsome pod but i do have fantasies of like i feel like i could you know garden and cook and be by candlelight i definitely could not i have moments of craving but then i've been my phone. I think me and Fortune are similar. I like to be in literally a Dave and Buster's arcade
Starting point is 00:47:09 with like ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. I don't need all that. I'm like a media. I'm like right between the two of you. I'm out gardening and cooking. Beans and broccoli. I don't want to be alone in the dark, but I definitely need some stimulation for sure. To go back to your point about compassion, you know, violence and
Starting point is 00:47:34 all of that. I would love if that was gone. But that that's that's very much a part of compassion. But also around compassion, I wanted to follow up and ask you, what is your compassion towards people that are not compassionate? That's like the best type of Christians, I think, are really good at that. Like the people who really embody like the message of Christ. Like I know we were talking about Christians before, but that like turn the other cheek, like really forgiving people without any expectation of clemency from them kind of you know like when you see a parent that's whose child's been murdered be like I forgive you they went to court like yeah I wish you the best I'm like oh my god that's are you that person
Starting point is 00:48:20 though fortune are you capable of that I don't know yeah it's so scary we're taught that like if you if you show weakness they could like get you again you know like so it's like can you show empathy with without showing weakness or without opening yourself up to to harm again you know right i don't know we did that forgiveness episode those that's true. The Sarah Paulson. Yeah, I'll go back and listen to that. Do you have a frivolous one, Tig? One that's not as... No.
Starting point is 00:48:54 That's an apocalyptic one. Only that. No, absolutely not. I'm not here for frivolous stuff on Handsome Pod. I'm here to say if the planet's gone it's all gone but side note remove all violence please i thought you're that it was going to be the frivolous one and it was going to be remove all violins and i was like oh oh oh no get those violins all violins All violins must go.
Starting point is 00:49:25 Well, I'll be eating my Doritos full of nutrition. Nutrient-dense Doritos. Finally on the market. I'll be silently reading books with my friends. On the compound. I'll be gardening and cooking broccoli and know broccoli and whatever in piles of dirt just around the corner yeah it feels like this world's a lot better since we made these decisions what a time to be alive should we hear what should we hear what lena has to say yeah
Starting point is 00:49:58 all right i guess my answer would be no more war. I know that's like a very generic answer, but it's really what comes to mind. Yeah. Classic. World peace, please. Yeah. I can't wait to hear what y'all say. Peace. World peace is big. World peace. I feel like I was selfish in my answer, but maybe I was consciously trying to keep it light. But world peace, yes. Yeah, Lena and I were on the same page. No violence, okay?
Starting point is 00:50:31 And Fortune's over there like, where are my Doritos? I just ate a hot dog. But I also don't think... I had a serious answer first, but I'd also like to throw in, can a girl eat a hot dog and be vegan? I don't think we gave enough credit to the babies for faces idea in terms of world peace. I think if everybody had the heads of babies, then we might have world peace. Well, and you're saying with large human bodies and just baby face yeah i don't know
Starting point is 00:51:07 that might make people angry why do you look like a baby but they'd look like one too so it would be like you have your adult body and your adult brain but your face because you're not going to slap a baby face may makes a good point we're not going to slap a baby face anyways should we ask the baby face anyone has ever slapped him well i bet baby face listens to this show he probably does he'll just let us know oh is okay that's a rapper i was gonna say may has a face right now that is a baby face and a producer okay i thought you were referring to thomas like oh we could ask the baby face oh baby face thomas thomas has a mustache that throws a wrench in the little bit of the baby face not really i think somebody just got a new nickname sorry thomas are you referring to the singer or thomas
Starting point is 00:52:05 have you ever seen thomas without a mustache i have yeah which one do you like better i like the mustache i'm a mustache fan i really like mustaches it's a sophisticated stash on our group text thread could you send a non-mustache picture of Thomas? Yes, in fact, I have a picture that I love of Thomas in the olden days of working for us where he's got a baby bottle going into a newborn's mouth. And I think he might be on the phone too. And he's got no mustache.
Starting point is 00:52:44 Oh, I want that so badly that picture do you know what that sounds like it sounds like the start of a rom-com oh does it ever like a probably like a michael keaton rom-com remember he used to do a bunch of rom-coms back before he was batman really yeah he was a he was a stand-up comedian first no yes he started the comedy store i love knowing that and i also don't want to see his stand-up because it would have actually yeah never seen his stand-up so i don't know anything just in case like because it would have been what late 70s early 80s or something i like i just don't want to ruin how much i love him and um just in case it was like really offensive what if he starts like an arena tour his comeback tour everybody would be
Starting point is 00:53:30 like as what what is he coming back what is what's happening they have remade beetlejuice it's coming did you know that yeah i'm excited about that we have a joke me and parvati that if we had a threesome it would be with beetlejuice i don't know where the joke came from or it's kind of a disgusting image but. Him or just the Beetlejuice. The character. Or him as Beetlejuice. Does it matter? It matters to me.
Starting point is 00:53:56 I'm trying to picture this too. Yeah you guys sort that out. Is it the real Beetlejuice or Why is it Charlize but juice or uh why is charlie's but charlie's from monster oh what a podcast what a podcast always a pleasure guys always a pleasure I always love talking to my
Starting point is 00:54:25 handsome my handsomes my handsome little ladies we've all got some shows coming up you can come
Starting point is 00:54:33 and see us I'm tonight actually at the Elysian with Stephanie Allen and Alana Johnston doing improv
Starting point is 00:54:39 and that's live streamed as well so you can come to that or May 17th I'm at Largo with a bunch of great guests
Starting point is 00:54:47 and doing new material. Tig, what do you got going on? Well, I'm just bopping around town in Los Angeles working on new material at Largo and Dynasty Typewriter. And please check out my new standup special on Prime Video called Hello Again. What about you, Fortune? I have an L.A. show as part of the Netflix's A Joke Festival, May 11th.
Starting point is 00:55:15 Mateo Lane, Chelsea Handler, myself, Sam Jay at the YouTube Theater. Toronto, I'll be at Massey Hall, May 18th. And then casino shows this summer New Buffalo Michigan Atlantic City New Jersey Niagara Falls New York and Charlestown West Virginia and make sure to subscribe I can't express enough it's how we stay doing what we're doing it helps us with our numbers it secures the show so subscribe don't just download and listen click subscribe tell your friends share episodes that you love build the community and keep uh handsome going right helps with our self-worth those numbers review make sure you review the show give us five stars
Starting point is 00:56:03 yeah and until then keep it handsome what a podcast handsome is hosted by me may martin tignotaro and fortune feimster the show is produced recorded and edited by thomas
Starting point is 00:56:19 email us at handsome pod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!
